Tuesday, February 1, 2011

iPhone Users Guide

Chapter 37: in the event your phone is lost or stolen...

You've searched the house. You checked the car. You checked your kids room. You've called your phone and heard nothing. Your iPhone is missing. But where is it?

Immediately your mind will begin to race.
What is the day of the week?
What is my account balance?
What the fuck does 2+2 equal???

And then panic sets in as you realize: Everyone will think Ive died.

But this is no time for panic. Keep your wits about you as you open your laptop and fire off necessary emails to loved ones.

"I'm ok. I haven't died. My mom took my iPhone to work on accident".

The first thing you may notice is that your random thoughts travel to your fingers, in the usual fashion, but having no release they bounce back to your brain. Let these thoughts go. No one cares about them any way. You need to concentrate so that you may get back to your misplaced iPhone, and resume mindless chit chat and the usual volley of LOLs and OMGs.

So many people complain that texting and driving is dangerous. Well, be warned that writing and driving is way more perilous. Do not attempt this. You may end up in someones yard. The to-do list action items and random thoughts about traffic lights and what color socks youre wearing can wait.

You may find yourself tapping messages absentmindedly on your desk, steering wheel, leg, etc. This is a side effect and is normal.

You may see other people using their iPhones and think "maybe they will let me borrow their phone to check the weather, my Facebook status, etc. Don't attempt this. It's shameful.

If you need to write down important thoughts, wait until you get to your moms office and use paper. I have attached a reference photo of pen and paper, so that you may know what to look for.

This is what notepad looks like when you don't have an iPhone. It's not an app. It's like what the pioneers used! There is no keyboard on paper. Pick up the stylus (or pen as its called) and begin to write. You will notice that your handwriting is illegible and the pen does not come with an auto correct feature. Ignore this. When you get your phone back these skills will go back to being useless as they should be.

And finally, when your mom shows up and says
"You can't live with out your phone for 2 hours?"

Be honest with her.

"Has it only been 2 hours?"

Next in the IPhone users guide:
Chapter 38 - "Reunited and it feels so good! Rediscovering your iPhone."

Monday, January 31, 2011

411 Miles

Take love. Not just admiration or mild flirtation. Real love. The kind of love that changes you, evokes emotions without words, builds a whole comfortable world for you to exist in blissfulness with someone who is your other half in every sense.

Take that love and subtract 411 miles. Love at 411 miles exists through written and spoken words. All the elements of a normal relationship are stripped away in the physical sense and you have communication and memories of precious hours spent together after long trips in the car.

In between days I have learned so much about relationships. Lessons that are hidden when you are with someone physically every day.

I've learned that waiting for someone to arrive at your door can be just as exhausting as watching them leave.

I've learned that not only does a picture speak a thousand words, it conveys just as many emotions and promises.

I've learned that there is no room for jealousy. Mistrust will shake the foundation, and the building is too precious to allow it to crumble under the weight of suspicion.

I've learned that your world can revolve around someone even if you can't see them every day.

I've learned that arguments are should be chosen carefully, because any words exchanged should be pleasant. Its important to remember that each exchange is a gift best not spoiled by insecurities and issues that really aren't that important anyway.

I've learned the art of compassion. Imagination is required to listen to the day to day life of a place you've never seen, people you've never met, a world you don't exist in. Not just listening but giving genuine interest and understanding.

I've learned that not only can the other person be your lover when you are together, but they can also be your fantasy, replacing all other fantasies, because when they are away they exist in your mind as an object of desire, and when they are with you those fantasies come to life.

At 411 miles the future means everything. It's a waste of emotion to dwell on things that have already happened. Useless to look backwards. Forward thinking is what gets you through the day.

I've learned how to fight. I've felt someone fight for me. Every step in this journey is a step wearing heavy shoes, and makes us stronger.

Most importantly I've learned how to be thankful for this person. I take nothing for granted. Each "i love you" is worth more than the stars in the universe, and I'm holding on to those I love yous tightly. As hard as this is, I have learned not to dwell on the difficulty too much, and be thankful that I have him at 411 miles, rather than have nothing at all.

I love you darling.