using or being used (some thoughts on past lives)

has anyone else experienced dreams of using? i used to have a dream every night about using. some nights i dream that my old friends are there, and we are looking for the dope. before i became separated from my husband, i dreamed that we were splitting the dope and going our separate ways. sometimes i wake up anxious after these dreams, in the dreams i really "feel" the effects of being high. in one dream in particular, the dope is stranded on a rock in the middle of the ocean, and i am trying like hell to free it from getting wet...

i remember an experience of going to the dentist for a filling, and they numbed me pretty good. while in the chair, i thought it was funny that the dentist would numb me to keep me from feeling any pain, but i was more likely to bite into my tongue or cheek and draw blood, and would be in pain later anyway.
Bored in the chair, trying to take my mind off the procedure, i realized that my old was life had the same theme: i had spent a long time "numbing" myself with drugs or just by turning off my emotions and ended up hurting myself worse in spite of myself. when the numbness wore off, i had all these memories (bad and good) to associate emotions with. all these experiences to put behind me all at once, bum rush, instead of one at a time or as they happened. and now i am left with an acute sense of loss. loss because i didnt feel those things as they happend, i missed out on experiencing life with the truest of all barometers; the human emotion.

or maybe i just get bored in the dentist chair...

Anne Boleyn Art

I am quite taken with this hisorical figure, whose ambition courted, betrothed, bedded and wedded a fearsome king; Henry VIII. His desire for Anne resulted in Englands excommunication with the church. And by all accounts, she was not considered to be extremely attractive. Based on some literature i read recently, i was inspired to do this piece, which depicts Anne sewing her own head back on. Based on how ambitious she was, I really feel that she if she could have sewn her head back on, she definately would have, and taken vengence on her enemies. Vivat Anna!!

Anna Bolina Regina Ultionis



Some additional info:
Anne Boleyn (1507?-1536)


She was the second wife of Henry VIII, and historians still argue as to whether they were legally married. She became pregnant before their marriage, which hastened their union. Henry VIII fought heaven and earth to make Anne his wife, but he became tired of her shortly after they were married. Since she couldn't produce a male heir, her popularity with Henry VIII began to falter. Rumors of adultery and the legitimacy of Elizabeth began to spread. Henry VIII, being a man who could be easily swayed, began to believe in the rumors.

“Evidence” of adultery, treason, and incest with her brother began to mount against Anne. Despite her pleas and protests, she was found guilty, and was to be put to death either by burning or beheading; whichever the king found most suitable. Plagued by his conscience, Henry VIII decided to have a swordsman from Calais do the deed. It took one stroke to remove her head. She had not yet been dead 2 weeks before Henry VIII was onto his 3rd wife, Jane Seymour.

Self Hypnosis

I write these for no reason other than their metaphorical lament filled the empty space of my head suddenly, for no apparent reason, during meditations... i would like to keep track of the ebb and flow of my subconscious mind.

1.

sleepless shifting

tossing and drifting

towards the origin of the wind

that spot where spotless thoughts flood intelligence

complete and important with undeniable relevance

screaming and stifled

unfinished business

2.

everything

falls

apart

eventually

eyes leave the road to glance at eachother

retrograde rims shimmering cold against the blur of the pavement.

gestures exchanged like emotional currency passing between strangers

showing lust or aggression

eventually

apart

falls

everything

3.

swimming

my head swims in a sea of unrecognizable creatures

reeling

to reel one of these things to the surface, like a thought bursting through the current

it struggles to survive

always tangled in the line of communication.

4.

whats the statute of limitations

on crimes of the heart?

am i expected to pay

for 12 years of blessed shame?

leave me my lament and sorrow

its all ive got.

5.

nail me to a glass cross.

when it shatters

after the first nail is driven through

i can see my reflection in the broken pieces.

surface wounds

uncrucified



to be continued... when i get more time to meditate

...the last time i held his hand

my grandpa is losing his battle with cancer and is waiting for my mom and i to come and say goodbye.
i have been fearing this moment since i was a small child. in fact i used to imagine them dead, all of them, mothers, fathers, grandparents, aunts, uncles; no one was safe from my mental holocaust... all in an effort to prepare myself for the actual day they die. and i would cry in my bed, in the dark, until my sobs were only the shape of my mouth, utterly void of sound. did it work? no. not really.
i wont sit here and describe how i feel, because anyone who has lost someone knows what this feels like. however, i would like to share that i am struck with the accute horror that when i lose my parents, it will be twice this much sadness, respectively.
and i will add that my grandfather is dying from the same cancer that my dad had. and they are not related. they both developed tumors in the same spot, the same year, almost the same month. so i get the joy of having one cancer patient survive, and the despair of one dying. seems like my joy should balance out my sadness, and i would feel nothingness? why cant emotions be logical like that?

Disk Read Error

so this weekend, my laptop hard drive failed. the motor on the read head died and the read head was locked in before the first boot sector, so, in laymans terms, i will NEVER get all of my photos, journals, art, etc etc. until i raise 800.00 for the clean room experience. losing a packed drive is like losing a damn family member, even though i live with a computer tech, i guess i fell into a false sense of security, and hadnt backed up my data since march 07. luckily, i fell into the money to purchase a new drive. so to vent my frustrations, we made this really cool clock. its not the sata hdd that was in my laptop, (i could never destroy that one) this is an old ide something like 6gb, totally worthless. but we decided to go green, and turn this trash into a christmas present.

its a bit of a nerve wracking project, you canNOT touch the platter. but gloves come in handy. otherwise, i plan on making some more of these. very fun.

A Shocking Story of Imagination

in our neighbors yard, there is an electrical box. well, my 3 year old son hunter was riding his bike, and noticed the sign on the side of the box

thanks alot whoever is responsible for contructing this graphic image. it plays havoc on a 3 year olds imagination. since he has seen this sign, i have had to listen to all sorts of stories about the monster that lives in our yard. this monster sometimes lives in the closet, and has big long "shockers" that come out to get him. sometimes in his stories, he is scared and runs away. sometimes, he stays to fight the shockers. at one point this morning, he was wearing one of my old backstage passes around his neck and holding up to the closet telling the monster to "BE GONE FROM OUR HOUSE!!" if you cant imagine what im describing, just imagine a preschooler performing an excorcism of sorts with a backstage pass instead of a cross.

sheesh. first it was the geico gecko. now its the duke power mascot. i have tried to explain that its just electricity, but he dosent get it. because the fuckin thing has a face, and looks menacing. You have to fear the electric bolt that will not only kill you, but probably be happy to do it. whatever, i guess the sign is effective. you can be damn sure he wont be opening that box anytime soon.

Skulls

Appearantly the only way to wear a skull is on your shirt, not covered with flesh on the top of your neck. Very fuckin trendy indeed.



Can someone please tell me who or what died?

According to my Jungian influenced literature, the skull is a 2 part symbol meaning death (because its dead) and thought (because its a head). so that begs the overly analytical mind to ask "what thought processes have died here and now?"

What part of our culture or society has been sacrificed / regenerated / recycled / to bring forth this symbol into mainstream media, fashion, art, etc? Could it be the staunch religious fervor that has gripped our society for decades? Or what philosophies have the recent generations contributed to our social order that have really shook the foundation of western thought?

im dying to figure it out. ha! get it?? "DYING" to figure it? she laughs out loud.

Yes, i overanalyze and over metaphaphoricize when i do my mental excercises. but im just trying connect the invisible proverbial dots..