Friday, September 4, 2009

using or being used (some thoughts on past lives)

has anyone else experienced dreams of using? i used to have a dream every night about using. some nights i dream that my old friends are there, and we are looking for the dope. before i became separated from my husband, i dreamed that we were splitting the dope and going our separate ways. sometimes i wake up anxious after these dreams, in the dreams i really "feel" the effects of being high. in one dream in particular, the dope is stranded on a rock in the middle of the ocean, and i am trying like hell to free it from getting wet...

i remember an experience of going to the dentist for a filling, and they numbed me pretty good. while in the chair, i thought it was funny that the dentist would numb me to keep me from feeling any pain, but i was more likely to bite into my tongue or cheek and draw blood, and would be in pain later anyway.
Bored in the chair, trying to take my mind off the procedure, i realized that my old was life had the same theme: i had spent a long time "numbing" myself with drugs or just by turning off my emotions and ended up hurting myself worse in spite of myself. when the numbness wore off, i had all these memories (bad and good) to associate emotions with. all these experiences to put behind me all at once, bum rush, instead of one at a time or as they happened. and now i am left with an acute sense of loss. loss because i didnt feel those things as they happend, i missed out on experiencing life with the truest of all barometers; the human emotion.

or maybe i just get bored in the dentist chair...

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