Tuesday, February 1, 2011

iPhone Users Guide

Chapter 37: in the event your phone is lost or stolen...

You've searched the house. You checked the car. You checked your kids room. You've called your phone and heard nothing. Your iPhone is missing. But where is it?

Immediately your mind will begin to race.
What is the day of the week?
What is my account balance?
What the fuck does 2+2 equal???

And then panic sets in as you realize: Everyone will think Ive died.

But this is no time for panic. Keep your wits about you as you open your laptop and fire off necessary emails to loved ones.

"I'm ok. I haven't died. My mom took my iPhone to work on accident".

The first thing you may notice is that your random thoughts travel to your fingers, in the usual fashion, but having no release they bounce back to your brain. Let these thoughts go. No one cares about them any way. You need to concentrate so that you may get back to your misplaced iPhone, and resume mindless chit chat and the usual volley of LOLs and OMGs.

So many people complain that texting and driving is dangerous. Well, be warned that writing and driving is way more perilous. Do not attempt this. You may end up in someones yard. The to-do list action items and random thoughts about traffic lights and what color socks youre wearing can wait.

You may find yourself tapping messages absentmindedly on your desk, steering wheel, leg, etc. This is a side effect and is normal.

You may see other people using their iPhones and think "maybe they will let me borrow their phone to check the weather, my Facebook status, etc. Don't attempt this. It's shameful.

If you need to write down important thoughts, wait until you get to your moms office and use paper. I have attached a reference photo of pen and paper, so that you may know what to look for.

This is what notepad looks like when you don't have an iPhone. It's not an app. It's like what the pioneers used! There is no keyboard on paper. Pick up the stylus (or pen as its called) and begin to write. You will notice that your handwriting is illegible and the pen does not come with an auto correct feature. Ignore this. When you get your phone back these skills will go back to being useless as they should be.

And finally, when your mom shows up and says
"You can't live with out your phone for 2 hours?"

Be honest with her.

"Has it only been 2 hours?"

Next in the IPhone users guide:
Chapter 38 - "Reunited and it feels so good! Rediscovering your iPhone."

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